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The 9 Wonders of the Multiverse

Your version of Earth is still ignorant about many things. One of the most glaring is your lack of knowledge about the multiverse. Most universes and planets with sentient life are well aware of each other, but not you. Your version of Earth does know about some of this stuff, but you think it's all fictional. You think authors or filmmakers just came up with these fantastical ideas. Well, they didn't. The following is the official list of all 9 Wonders of the Multiverse, in no particular order.

Minas Tirith, Gondor

Built in SA (Second Age) 3320 on the easternmost point of the White Mountains in Gondor, Minas Tirith is a true archeological wonder. Originally named Minas Anor, meaning "The Tower of the Sun," the city was built by the Faithful to guard against the men of the White Mountains. The name was changed to Minas Tirith, or "Tower of Guard" in TA (Third Age) 2002, when the Ringwraiths established Minas Morgul. The city is made up of seven 100 foot levels, each surrounded by a wall.

In TA 3019, the Battle of the Pelennor Fields was fought in and around Minas Tirith. The Free Peoples defeated Sauron's forces there, although losses were heavy.

The Wall, Westeros

Built during the Age of Heroes, some 8,000 years ago, the Wall spans approximately 100 leagues (300 miles) along the northern border of The Kingdom of the North in Westeros. Constructed by Brandon the Builder, reportedly with the help of magic, the Wall is made out of solid ice, and stands 700 feet tall! It also averages 300 feet in width. The Wall is equipped with nineteen castles, although most of them are currently unmanned.

Your Earth show, Game of Thrones, depicted the Wall being breached. But in the real multiverse, this is not cannon, and the Wall still stands unbroken.

The Unseen University, The Discworld

What's not to love about a school of wizardry that refuses to be pinned down on a map and has an orangutan librarian? The Unseen University in Ankh-Morpork is such a school. Staffed by a bunch of lazy, inept wizards (which reminds of The Site), the university's official motto is, "Nunc Id Vides, Nunc Ne Vides," loosely translated as, "Now You See It, Now You Don't."

Among the more strange things about the university is the fact that, like the Tardis, it is much bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, and that it contains a classroom, Room 3b, that is not believed to exist, but has a large number of classes scheduled there anyway.

People on your Earth know about the Discworld from the writings of Terry Pratchett, one of the very few people from your world who seemed to have been completely aware of the true workings of the multiverse. Your world is truly shittier without him, but at least you've got the Discworld series of books.

The Grand Palace of Arrakeen, Arrakis

"No planet, no civilization in all human history had ever before seen such man-made immensity. A dozen ancient cities could be hidden in its walls!"

-Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam

Financed by the Spice Melange trade, the Grand Palace of Arrakeen was built during the twelve-year reign of Paul Muad'Dib. The palace is thought to be the single most colossal structure in all of human history. Entire structures, brought in from subjected planets with giant spaceships called heighliners, were added to the palace, which in my opinion is a real dragonesque move!

The thing I like most about the palace is the throne in which Paul sits. It's cut from a single Hagar emerald. I definitely plan to add that to my hoard someday!

The Jedi Temple, Coruscant

Built sometime after 3996 BBY (Before the Battle of Yavin), the Jedi Temple on Coruscant was the headquarters for the Jedi Order. The temple was built by the Four Masters over the sacred spire, a natural peak that contains a Force Nexus; a place where the Force is particularly strong.

Destroyed and rebuilt, taken and retaken, the temple has been at the center of conflict throughout the galaxy's tumultuous history.

Topped with five massive towers, the temple stands more than a kilometer higher than the surrounding buildings. And although it has the appearance of a fortress, it is really a place for meditation and reflection.

The Death Stars held this place on the list between 19 BBY and 4 ABY, but after their destruction, the Jedi Temple regained its spot.

The Target in Glendale, CA

Located in the Glendale Galleria, this is the first 3-story Target in the world! Ever since its grand opening in July of 2007, this Target has been a fantastic, convenient, and surprisingly affordable place to shop. It has escalators, which is pretty great in and of itself, but the real kicker is that the escalators are accompanied by cart escalators. You simply put the cart on its escalator and it rides up or down beside you!

The Peppermen, the preeminent RHCP fan club, once sang about this very store

So, check it out! You won't be sorry*.

Hogwarts Castle, Earth

Located in the beautiful Scottish Highlands, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is a state-owned school, funded by the Ministry of Magic. The school was established around the 10th century by the four founders; Godric Gryfindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hufflepuff, and Salazar Slytherin, who lent their names to the four houses in which students are sorted into upon arrival.

The school's motto is, "Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus," which, translated from Latin, means, "Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon." This is sentiment I whole-heartedly agree with. You tickle me while I'm sleeping you'll soon wish you fucking hadn't!

The building itself is permeated with magic. Its 142 staircases change position at random, there are several resident ghosts, and the statues on the grounds can be brought to life whenever the school is under attack.

On the Hogwarts grounds is a world-class Quidditch pitch, which leads me into the next Wonder on the list...

The Dragon Palace, Earth 1.5

(No Picture, Yet.)

The Dragon Palace is the capitol of Earth 1.5, a version of Earth in which dragons and magic were introduced to the Vikings in approximately 860 A.D.. It's unfortunate that I couldn't get a picture, because it's really quite a spectacle. At over 2,000 feet high, the palace is built to look like the Earth with a great red dragon looming over the top of it.

The Palace is the site of the world's biggest sports stadium, the place where the Dragonby World Championship is held. Dragonby is a game that is kind of like Quidditch, but with players riding on the backs of dragons. I would never let a human ride me, so I stay away from the place.

Milliways, The End of the Universe

Ladies and gentlemen, the Universe as we know it has now been in existence for over one hundred and seventy thousand million billion years and will be ending in a little over half an hour. So, welcome one and all to Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe!

- Max Quordlepleen

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, also known as Milliways, is a five-star restaurant situated at the end of time and matter. It's a great place to grab a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, but the restaurant's main attraction is the opportunity to view a Gnab Gib (a reverse Big Bang). Reservations can be made when a guest returns back to his or her original time after their meal, and the ridiculously expensive check can be paid by placing a single penny in a bank account, due to the compound interest it will accumulate over the next 170 quintillion years.

Going to this restaurant, which is said to exist inside a "time bubble," is clearly impossible, prompting ad execs to come up with the following slogan: "If you've done six impossible things this morning, why not round it off with a breakfast at Milliways, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe?"

I went there, and I must say, it was great. I ate an entire Ameglian Major Cow and drank at least seven Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters (I don't remember much after that).

This is another place some of you humans may have heard about from the writings of Douglas Adams, another human who saw the multiverse much more clearly than most.

* This Target-sponsored list has been called into question by many critics who are incensed about the myriad glaring slights and omissions. For example, Oz has filed a petition to have the Emerald City put on the list. The decision is pending.

(FULL DISCLOSURE: I have been paid handsomely in golden chalices by the Multi-Universal Division of Target Corporation to be a spokesdragon for the official 9 Wonders of the Multiverse list.)

If you'd like to read more about me, or the multiverse, click here.


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