top of page

A Dragon Ranks Dragons

The multiverse is full of dragons. We are the coolest gods-damned beings in existence, but some of us are better than others. I happen to be the greatest dragon in the multiverse, but I have graciously chosen to leave myself off of this list.

I had a real hard time deciding if I should go worst to first, or first to worst, as, in my humble opinion, they're all pretty lame compared to me.

#10 Haku- Spirited Away

Nigihayami Kohakunushi, aka Haku, is a river spirit that can take a dragon form. He works at a bathhouse in the spirit world, and is an apprentice to a powerful witch named Yubaba.

I would probably rank him higher than this, but he was damn-near killed by a bunch of paper airplanes. I do think the fact that he's a river spirit is pretty cool. He gets downgraded for having a human form, though.

#9 Elliott- Pete's Dragon

This dragon is pretty pathetic. He can turn invisible, so I suppose he's not completely worthless, but he's still an embarrassment to dragonkind. He's clumsy, stupid, and small. I can't believe I ranked him higher than Haku, but I'm too lazy to change it.

#8 Toothless- How to Train Your Dragon

Alright, first off, I have a real problem with the premise of this movie. Most of us dragons are not trainable. I wish some human would try to train me. Shit!

Anyway, Toothless is a Night Fury dragon who lives on the Isle of Berk. Other than the fact that he allows himself to be trained by a human, he's pretty cool. He has retractable teeth, and can fire a wicked plasma blast (shrugging emoji).

#7 Hungarian Horntail- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Finally, a badass dragon makes the list, although this dragon is a bit of an idiot compared to me. They're known in certain circles as the most dangerous of all dragon breeds, but they don't even know how to use magic, so how dangerous can they really be?

#6 Falkor- The Neverending Story

"Never give up, and good luck will find you."


Hailing from Fantasia, Falkor is a Luck Dragon who befriends the "hero" Atreyu. Even though he is more of a dog than a dragon, I gotta give Falkor his due. His quote above is spot on. Luck is one of the most powerful forces in the multiverse, so I'd be a fool to underestimate this guy.


#5 Charizard- Pokémon

I know, I know; he's technically not a dragon type. But if it looks like a dragon and blows fire like a dragon, it's a fuckin' dragon. I'm partial to them because, like me, they can actually do magic. Allowing themselves to be caught in Poké Balls is pretty humiliating, but being subservient to humans is a disturbingly common thing for dragons in the multiverse, unfortunately.

#4 King Ghidorah- Godzilla Franchise

This guy is unquestionably badass. A three-headed golden dragon kaiju who has taken on Godzilla, Rodan, and Mothra is a force to be reckoned with. I would love to kill him and harvest those golden scales for my hoard! The son of a bitch has a ton of magical abilities, though, so it wouldn't be all that easy.

#3 Maleficent- Sleeping Beauty

Many might dispute my placing of her so high, but Maleficent is a badass dragon in her own right. For one thing, she looks great. I mean, I'm more partial to humanoid women, but when it comes time to mate, I wouldn't exactly turn her down. Come to think of it, she would kind of be perfect for me; a hot human woman who can turn into a dragon. Hmm, I'll have to think about spitting a little game to her sometime...

#2 Vermithrax Pejorative- Dragonslayer

One of the coolest dragons ever, Vermithrax Pejorative is a powerful, although perverted, dragon. Ol' Vermy likes him some virgins, and demands regular sacrifices, like a true degenerate. I mean, I get it. I love human women, too. But I just want to hang with them. He wants to roast and eat them. Weirdo.

#1 Smaug- The Lord of the Rings

Very begrudgingly, I'm placing this smug motherfucker at #1. The only reason is the extent in which he has provided me with a purpose. His hoard, estimated at $62 billion, is the largest hoard in the multiverse. But that is not a record he's going to hold for much longer. I will amass $63 billion plus, by any means necessary.

Smaug, I am coming for that title!!!

Dishonorable Mentions

The following morons could hardly be considered dragons:

Unnamed Dragon- Knighty Knight Bugs

Come on, man! You're gonna let Yosemite Sam kick your ass like that? What kind of a pathetic excuse for a dragon are you, bro?

Bowser- Super Mario

Bowser has potential. He has traditional dragon values (i.e. stealing beautiful princesses regularly). But this loser is bested, every time, by a gods-damned plumber! What a disgrace!!!

Shameless Plug

If you found this post, I'm guessing you're into dragons. Well, I'm a dragon, and I'm in this book.

The author who wrote it is a hack, but the parts with me in it are good.

Check it out here


bottom of page