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A Dragon Ranks Earth Food

The best food in the multiverse is something called a skienox. It's basically like a goat, but closer to the size of a horse. When they're scared, they secrete this viscous fluid that is just to-die-for. Unfortunately, there are no skienoxes here on Earth, so I've had to experiment with your Earth food. The following is a list of the top ten best foods I've found in your world.


#10- Grilled Cheese Sandwich


This staple is among the best things you humans ever invented. I personally like to have them with a big steaming tub of tomato soup and some milk (cow or skienox). Dipping them in ketchup is also a plus.





#9- Elote


This Mexican-style corn on the cob might not sound appealing, but I promise you, it's delicious. You basically take corn on the cob, slather it with mayonnaise, then sprinkle on Cotija cheese (kind of like Parmesan, but saltier) and chili powder. Some humans like to add cilantro and/or lime juice. However you do it, this is so much better than it sounds!




#8- Pizza


A favorite of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, pizza is gods-damned amazing. The term pizza was first recorded in the 10th century in Southern Italy. Modern pizza was developed in Naples, and has grown to be one of the most popular foods on the planet.

Being a dragon, I'm partial to the All-Meat variety, but I also love a good Garmonbozia (pain and sorrow) pizza.


There is an ongoing debate about which is better: New York, or Chicago style. My vote is for that deep-dish Chicago pizza. If you haven't had the real thing in Chicago, I highly recommend it!



#7- Gyro


Using a meat grilling technique developed in the 19th century Ottoman Empire, the gyro is a delicious Greek creation. They are made by wrapping grilled meat sliced from a vertical spit into a pita and topping it with onions, tomatoes, and tzatziki sauce.

Common varieties include lamb, beef, chicken, and pork.

The word is pronounced Yee-rroh, with a strong rolling of the r.









#6- Haggis


Doesn't this following description just sound delicious?


Haggis is a savory pudding containing sheep's pluck (heart, liver, and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and cooked while traditionally encased in the animal's stomach.


Pictured to the left is a lovely stack with neeps and tatties, but I prefer the picture below, which looks like the guts spilling out of a fresh kill. Yum!


In his Address to Haggis, Robert Burns wrote this:


Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thairm:

Weel are ye wordy o' a grace

As lang's my arm.


I'm fairly certain this is quite a glowing review!





#5- Pho


Pho, pronounced "fuh," is a Vietnamese soup consisting of broth, rice noodles, herbs, and meat. It is considered the national dish of Vietnam, and is really damn good.


I like to add hoisin sauce, Sriracha, bayleaves, and jalapeños to mine.







#4- Poutine


Invented in the 1950s in Quebec, Canada, poutine is now considered Canada's national dish. It's made by smothering french fries in gravy and cheese curds.


I like to have chopped-up tri-tip on mine, but that might just be me. Shit man, there's nothing like a big plate of poutine with a few Molsons.





#3- Chicken Tikka Masala


Likely invented in the 1960s by Bangladeshi chefs in Great Britain, chicken tikka masala is made up of chunks of chicken tikka (chicken marinated in yogurt and spices) served in a creamy orange curry sauce. It is often served with rice and a side of naan (delicious oven-baked flatbread).


This stuff is seriously addictive. I like to get it as spicy as they can make it with a nice mango lassi to drink.



#2- Bacon


Quite possibly nature's most perfect food. Bacon is single-handedly responsible for making the Earth known in most of the multiverse. If not for bacon, your podunk planet wouldn't even be on the radar.


I don't know what else I could say about it.




#1- Taco Truck Food


I know this is kind of cheating, since taco trucks have a ton of perfect options, but this is the best food planet Earth has to offer. They have tacos, burritos, quesadillas, tortas, nachos, huaraches, and sopes that you can get with asada (beef), al pastor (pork), carnitas (different style pork), pollo (chicken), lingua (tongue), or cabeza (head meat).


Famous for selling "street tacos," taco trucks are so good I had one brought to the top of the Space Needle for me and my princess. You can read about all of that here, in a book I'm in called The Conjuring of Zoth-Avarex: The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Dragon in the Multiverse (shameless plug). But if you don't want to buy my book, at least do yourself a favor and get to your local taco truck!



You can see the taco truck I brought to the Space Needle on the cover of the book I'm in.




Dishonorable Mention- Humans


Ya'll are disgusting! I had the misfortune of eating one of you when I was conjured to this planet. Yuck! It was the last time I'm ever doing that.